insecure

a new page

im pushing u away for a good reason

although there has not been enough time for u to truly get to know me, u only know me to a certain extent. u say im all sorts of perfection, but only i know myself and perfection is not at all near me. this is my worst perspective and u may have not seen me but u have heard me. i know u dont know how to react to my tears, but all i need for u is to just be there for me. i know how u feel and i wish i could do so much for u in the sense that u want me to because u deserve it but i am in no condition to give u my all. u deserve the best and unfortunately at this time i cant give u my 100%. i hope u understand and that u are willing to give me time to recover so that when i am ready i can give u myself fully - what u deserve.

u use love as yer shield

u live a life that is meant for a bachelor even if u want to share everything u own with someone special, u cant. u cant always get what u want. u walked out a long time ago on me even if u never left my side. all the great times we had i wont ever forget just as well as our worst times. when things were perfect they really were and when things were chaotic, all hell broke loose. u let go, so i let go... not because i wanted to but because YOU wanted to. people say u dont deserve my tears, and part of me believes u really dont. but why do i still sit and ponder about what could happen if we were... i always seem to keep thinkin u will change someday and be a better person than u are now but u put me through so much that sometimes i dont know if u will ever change at all. u may have all yer friends, yer team, yer cars, yer house and all the publicity in the world but thats not what impresses me at all. what u own and the things u do to gain those material objects means nothing to me. the things u do to purify yer soul and be true to yer word and yerself means more to me than anything else u do, but i guess u still dont understand that. we continue to have the same arguments even if we arent together. if no compromises can be made and we continue to be stubborn then there can be no improvements for an 'us.' yer used to having yer way and so am i. i try to change so much for u to keep u happy but i feel like everything i do or say doesnt make a difference. when i ask u for an explanation u cant even give me one. when i try explaining things to u, u always have something to state that my explanation is wrong before u even hear the whole thing. i dont know what to do with u. u make me so confused where i have my foot out the door and yet im still in the house. u keep telling me u care, u keep saying u dont care because u wanna make everything work out... but u say the same thing everytime u lose me. u just keep letting me go and taking me back as if u dont know what u really want. i hate how u play this yo-yo game with me... if u let me go, then let me go and if u really wanted to be with me then u wouldnt have let all this happen because u would know exactly what u would lose. i cant stand to be around u because i know if u touch me i wouldnt want u to let go and i hate how u still have that control over me. i guess thats why i keep my distance from u because i hate the fact that i still care for u. as much as u want me to admit i do care for u, i refuse to tell u because of my stubbornness. i dont wanna play this game anymore with u. if u want me back, u'd go out of yer way to do things that u would never do for just anyone else. even if i miss yer kisses, hugs, laugh, the touch of yer hands, and our quiet moments just being with each other... i will not go back until u prove yerself like everyone else.

can u buy yer way into heaven?